Faceless

Hmmm..I have no idea where to start really, so beware there most likely will be rambling ahead. ;)

So, yesterday I dropped the kids off at my mother's house for a day of fun (and rest for me, lol!). I was having an unusually emotional day, where it felt like I was so in tune with my pain that I have been trying to work through. Simply put, it was horrible. But now, looking back, I am so thankful. It brought me to a new level of self exploration and freedom.

Once I got home I began preparing to dye some yarn. Well suddenly I could not deny my desire to paint any longer. I threw on a Rob Thomas cd, grabbed my easel, that we bought exactly a year ago, and some paint. I just started painting like a wild woman with no real vision to start with. I just felt so moved to paint, like I felt my pain flowing right through my brush. It was amazing. I began with one red "squiggly" line, having no idea of what it would be. And then, it all came together. I began painting a picture of myself.

After the hair was finished I began pondering a face, yet felt inspiration to leave it completely blank. Then I realized I was painting myself drowning in a storm of emptiness. I really feel lost most days. Like I know nothing about myself, and worse that I lack the strength to find out who I am. Maybe I've never really been "ME". I don't feel comfort in looking to who I used to be. I know, deep down, that I have got to stop ignoring this pain or I will chance being lost forever. I cannot allow that to happen.

I have also been feeling like God has forsaken me, or maybe I have forsaken Him. Either way, I miss Him. Oh man, do I miss Him.

You might notice in the painting there is a small outline of pink around me. That represents the tiny bit of myself that I cling to and still wish to be. There is a yellow line outside of that which stands for the trickle of hope I feel daily. It is so tiny.

While I was painting I truly felt God's love for me once again. I felt that He is trying to break inside my life and help heal me. The sun represents this.

Once I was finished painting, I dyed the yarn to match the painting. I am pleased with the outcome...it was nice to see both the painting and the yarn match and it made the whole event feel more complete.

Thank you for all who are reading. Thank you for allowing me to share myself and my deepest feelings with you. I appreciate you more than you will ever know.

Now I am on my journey to finding the "face" that belongs on this painting. I will share my continued journey with you.